Notes
by HauntedInTheMoonlight
Summary: Sues are coming! Hide!
1. Erik

Disclaimer: NO! OKAY YOU FRIGGIN RETARD? YOU REALLY THINK I OWN IT! Phht… you forgot your medication didn't you?

Dear Phan Fiction Writers,

I recently stumbled upon this website and was a little proud (if not slightly perturbed) to see there was a section about me. I was rather bored so I began to read one of the fictions. I did not know what EOW meant or the rating M. I was rather horrified to say the least at the way you have turned me into a sentimental pansy (not to mention the rather inappropriate scenes)! Although I was rather amused by the Raoul-bashing. But for the next few days I was rather paranoid as to if I had let Christine go with an abusive fop. Though I still hate Raoul I respect him and trust him to take care of Christine and THEIR children (PLEASE NOTE that one of them is not mine!). And while were on that note I must say I am horrified and disgusted on so many different levels due to slash fiction! I AM IN NO WAY IN LOVE WITH NADIR, RAOUL OR PHILIPPE DE CHANGY! I do not know where you get such horrible and perverted ideas! Remember that Nadir led Raoul down to my lair to 'rescue' (though they did a rather sad job of that…) Christine! And Raoul took her away from me, not to mention I don't even KNOW Philippe! It disgusts me to think of what twisted mind writes that kind of smut! Now if I see ONE more slash fiction I will hunt you down and there **_will_** be hell to pay. And NO it will not be one of those 'I'm-going-to-kill-you-but-your-beautiful-eyes-and-wonderful-voice-saves-you-from-your-death-and then-I-fall-in-love-with-you type of stories.' Now that I have that off my chest I must move on to another rather annoying whim about me: Other women,

I will be totally honest with you and say that I HAVE been known to stare at a pretty girl during auditions, but can you blame me? Now I probably will never love another as I have loved and still do love Christine. If someone could see past my deformity as Christine did there might be a chance...NOT! I AM A OLD RECLUSE SO ENTER MY LAIR LIKE SO MANY OF YOUR FRIGGIN SUES DO, YOU WILL BE GREETED WITH THE SIREN OF THE LAKE AND ALL OF BLOODY HELL ON YOUR HEELS! AND I SWEAR TO GOD IF I SEE ANOTHER ME/MEG FICTION I WILL KILL YOU ALL! EVEN IF YOU JUST READ THE CRAP!

Now that we are on that note there is another topic I would like to discuss: My appearance!

I look NOTHING like this Gerard Butler person everyone seems so in love with! I am pale, I DO have hair but not much, my eyes are GOLDEN AND WILL BURN IN YOUR MIND FOREVER! MUHAHAHAHA! (we'll get back to that one), and one half of my face looks like wax dripping off a skull! And if I took off my mask you freakin' little brats would pass out (NOT from my incredible sexiness either! WHICH I DON'T HAVE ANY! SO BUZZ THE HELL OFF!). What else? Oh yes: the incident under the lair:

How hard is it to embrace CHRISTINE WENT WITH RAOUL! (**A/N: -twitches-) **She did not come with a monster like me! Ahh yes and RAOUL DID NOT STAY WITH ME YOU FRIGGIN PERVERT! If I see another one of those Raoul-stays-with-me fics I will kill myself and all of you hard-headed retarded phan girls will die of depression…MWHAHAHA! And Christine has not come back to me nor will she ever! Why? You ask? BECAUSE I AM A OLD, DEFORMED, MENTALLY ILL FREAK OF NATURE! Yes I will admit I am not mentally stable, if I could find a therapist that I wouldn't hang then I might be able to fix that last problem…

I remain you're disgusted reader,

O.G.


	2. Starlet

Dear Monsieur Le Fantôme,

Having received your letter I was like totally freeking out for a while (I passed out, ask my roommate, Orlando Bloom). At first I was overjoyed (I mean come on! How many phans get to hear from the phantom himself!) But then I was like so ticked off! Since when are you like…_ugly? _And you COULD love another woman! I mean after all, Christine was just a little naïve freak! Just wait till you meet a REAL woman, like me! I mean in the future my abusive ex-boyfriend is going to kidnap me and make me do experiments with him and become his love slave but his laboratory blows up and I get transported back in time and I find you and you fall in love with me due to my great singing voice and beauty (I should know, I AM the authoress)! 'Cause I am like so sexy! So we would be like so totally perfect for each other! And I can like sing for you all the time (and who knows what else? Wink, wink, nudge, nudge)

You obedient servant (wink),

Starlet Blossom

P.S. Did I mention I'm coming to find you tomorrow?


	3. Dun dun dun da! She's here!

××Ø××

Erik was lounging lazily in the library of his new mansion on the outskirts of Paris.

A young timid girl of about thirteen came into the room, she curtsied politely, "Sir?"

Erik- who was sprawled on the couch turned to face her, "Oui, Minette?"

"A letter arrived for you, from a Ms. Starlet Blossom," She nervously bit her lip, she wanted to leave the master's presence as soon as possible.

Erik muttered something incoherent, all Minette caught was "Lasso," "evil fan girls," "hang Gerard Butler," and "poison."

"Very well, please hand it over Minette, then you may be dismissed for the day."

Minette reached in her skirts and produced a pink and purple envelope that smelled of Lilacs. Erik's eyebrows raised beneath the mask, "What in God's name…?" He murmured and snatched the letter up. He tore the envelope and quickly skimmed over the letters meager and poorly written contents. He smacked his forehead and let out a string of colorful curses.

Minette –whom Erik hadn't noticed was still in the room- jumped, "What the devil's a matter, sir?" She asked worriedly.

Erik looked up from the letter, "All of bloody hell's broke loose. That's what, go find Marquis, tell him to make sure no one enters the mansion grounds today. Understand?"

Minette nodded and rushed to do her master's bidding.

Erik collapsed back on the sofa, he was about to close his eyes when he shot back up. He quickly grabbed a piece of parchment from the desk and quickly began scribbling letter,

"_Dear Mademoiselle Starlet,_

My dear I think you forgot you're medication didn't you? I will answer several of you're rather stupid questions:

_I have BEEN UGLY EVER SINCE I WAS FREAKIN BORN!_

_AND NO I COULD NOT LOVE ANOTHER WOMAN! GET THAT THROUGH YOUR HEAD YOU BIMBO!_

_What the hell? Abusive ex-boyfriend? Singing voice? I find that highly unlikely, tart._

_Anyway now if you step foot on my estate (which you COULD NEVER FIND! HAHAHAHA!) I will personally KILL YOU! And I will enjoy every single freaking minute of it…"_

"Now honey that isn't a good way to talk about me!" A lilting voice said behind Erik.

Erik froze, "Uh-oh…" (**A/N: I'm such a sadist.)**

A slim, bleach blonde woman who looked like she had spent too much time at the plastic surgeon skipped over to Erik's side and put her arms around his neck, "I told you I would find you!" She squealed.

Erik rolled his eyes and slowly reached in his pocket, he should have a chain in there somewhere, (**A/N: He was shirtless so he was without the lasso. Yes, I wonder why 'Starlet' hasn't passed out yet too…)**

He found the chain and quickly wrapped it around Starlet's neck.

"So, you want to play that game?" Starlet giggled, "Okay!"

The next thing Erik knew he was pinned to the desk with Starlet on his back. "Good god!" He yelled, Erik quickly escaped the crazy phan girl and picked up his lasso, which was lying beneath the couch. He threw the lasso at Starlet; to his surprise she escaped it. He gaped, no one had _ever_ escaped his lasso! He shook his head, must be losing his touch. He threw it again.

Starlet moved quickly and escaped it again. "Erikins, put down the lasso and sing for me!"

Erik paled at the nickname. "Is this my punishment for all those murders!" He cried out.

××Ø××

**A/N: Dun dun dun da! Will Erik commit suicide? Will Starlet drive him further of the edge? WILL SOMEONE GET PREGNANT! Sorry, got a little carried away. Anyway SOMONE SAVE THIS POOR MAN!**


	4. PINK LEATHER!

**A/N: **I am soooo terribly sorry about not posting a chapter in forever! Please forgive me!

**Replies to Reviews:**

**Nota Lone: **Yes Erik, RUN! RUN LIKE ALL OF MORDOR IS AT YOUR FEET! Maybe it is… And the phan girl squeal is almost as bad as the Jump 5 Groupies of the Future squeal…-winces in remembrance-

**Miss Christine Daae**: Blinkin' lake is evil!

**Tathiela: **I tried to get him to put his shirt back on but he said, "Bite Me." And threatened to get his lasso if I didn't leave…damn.

××Ø××

_Dear Nadir,_

_I'm writing you because I am desperate! As ridiculous as this may sound, a young woman has found my mansion and is holding me prisoner! Marquis tried to save me but her high-pitched scream made him suddenly go deaf and keel over with a terrible nosebleed. The girl (I believe her name is Starlet) can even avoid my lasso! Please help me, my friend! I beg of you!_

_She has already shagged me once and I fear she will do it again! Oh the horror! The satin; the lace! THE PINK LEATHER WHIPS AND MELTED CHOCOLATE!_

_Nadir, if you have any ounce of humanity within you, I pray that you will come!_

_Oh dear god, she's come back! I hear her in the hall! PLEASE HELP ME!_

_Erik_

_P.S. I suggest you bring very good earplugs and some sunglasses to protect you from her shimmering hair._

Nadir shook his head and sat the letter (edged in pink glitter and seemed to emanate the utmost evil) down on the glass table that he was currently sitting at and sipping tea with his wife.

The young Persian woman put a hand on her husband's shoulder, "My dear, whatever is the matter? You seem worried."

Nadir nodded, "Yes, Jazriel; Erik has had a run-in with a Mary-Sue who is currently holding him hostage, he has begged me to save him lest he be 'shagged' again."

Jazriel leapt from her seat cursing in Persian, "The horror! You must save him! God knows what the she-witch could do to his mental state!"

Nadir looked up, surprised at his little wife's outburst, "Aye, but how? I may be cunning, but I am no match for the horror of a sue!"

Jazriel's shapely lips curved into a smile, "Yes, my dear husband, _you_ are not; but I know one who is!" With this mildly mysterious remark Jazriel clapped her hands and called something to one of her servant-girls.

A young harem-girl holding a silver tray with several pieces of paper and several writing utensils appeared from behind a curtained door, she knelt before her mistress, sat the tray on the table and was gone before you could say "Where in the name of Fan fiction did she come from?"

Jazriel dipped a pen in the ink and began scratching out a letter on the parchment.

Nadir gazed at his wife, curious (and rather turned on). He leaned over and read the following:

_Dear Christine,_

_I really hate to disturb Raoul and your honeymoon but a Mary-Sue has taken Erik captive! I fear that he will not survive unless the madwoman is conquered!_

_Nadir and I are his only living friends, and although Nadir would like to help he is no match for the power of a Sue. I could probably hold her off for a while but I know that she would soon vanquish me._

_No Mary-Sue worth her weight in lip-gloss can stand the terror of a fop (forgive me for the use of the F word but I hope you understand)._

_You and Raoul are Erik's only hope! I implore you to save your former tutor!_

_Your caring (and worried) friend,_

_Jazriel._

Jazriel sealed the letter and gave it to the girl (who again appeared) and told her to deliver it with all haste.

Nadir looked at his spouse in a new light, "You truly _are_ a queer little thing!"

Jazriel smiled modestly, "It's a gift."

××Ø××

Christine de Changy lay reclined in a plush chaise longue on the balcony of her new bedroom in the De Changy Estate wrapped in her spouse's loving embrace.

The sound of a door slamming in the bedroom interrupted them as they were…well _anyway_.

A little boy rushed up to them holding a letter and panting like he had run a marathon, "Madame! A letter has arrived from a Jazriel Nadir Daroaga (**A/N: **_did I spell that right?)_," The little boy cried.

Raoul made a sound of protest as Christine sat up and snatched the letter from the young lad; "Thank you, François; you are dismissed," She said with a wave of her hand.

Raoul leaned over her shoulder, kissing her neck as she skimmed over the letter's contents, "What does Jazriel and Nadir have to say?" He asked groggily.

Christine smiled at her husband but her smile quickly faded, "In the name of all that is good and holy!" She cried and bolted up from the longue, with that she darted into her room and pulled a cloak and a pair of slippers out of her wardrobe. Seeing Raoul's obvious confusion at her distress she hurriedly explained, "Erik has been taken captive by a Mary-Sue! You and I are the only ones who can save him!"  
Raoul flashed an angry expression, "It is a ploy to get him to return to you! He is probably fine, and anxious for his beloved 'Ange de Musique' to return!"  
Christine looked up, somewhat aggravated, "No, he would not do that. He is not that low. Besides, Jazriel would never help him. She may think you are a nancing fop but she would not risk something like this."

Raoul threw his hands up, "Why should we help him? I mean after all he has done to us!"

"Because if you do I'll wear that cute little skimpy leather bikini you've been trying to get me to wear…" Christine said throwing him a _look._

Raoul twitched and quickly got a suitcase out from under her bed, "Let's go, I'll get Françoise to saddle the horses!"

**A/N: **For those of you that don't know, Ange de Musiqe is French for Angel of Music.


End file.
